What a Parent of a Congenital Heart Warrior Wants You to Know

For the most part I try to be optimistic, but I can only be that way for so long until something breaks inside of me and I am just pissed. I get angry when people say the wrong things even though it's out of best intentions and love.

We recently discovered our soon to be third little girl has a heart condition just like her older sister. I got through the crying and depressive stage pretty fast but the anger side of grief is not ready to pass. I am tired of the cliche responses from people looking on the outside in. I just really don't want to talk about the situation but people want to push and say things like "it will all work out" or "you've been through this before, so you've got this" and "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". These all seem like uplifting things to help a grieving parent but they don't always help.

The killer one that really turns in my stomach is "God only gives us what he knows we can handle." As someone who has found Christ through my struggles, I find this statement to be unbelievable false. I do think certain things happen to us with purpose, despite how awful they might be. I also believe in random events and evil that is out there. Regardless, things happen that go beyond the laws of what we can handle and sometimes it does break us. It can break us in tragic ways where one takes their own life and it can break us in smaller ways, where one suffers deep down inside where no one else can see. This is not strength, this is change and not always for the better.

I know how I'm feeling in the NOW can be off putting and make some people want to turn away and I don't blame them.

I'm struggling.

But please, take a backseat to the advice and just be there when I'm ready to talk. Even if I am never ready to talk, that's okay because sometimes I can talk things out just on my own.

If there is one thing that I have gained from all of this, which I'm sure there isn't only one, it's that I am more reserved with my emotions than I used to be. My husband actually thinks I don't cry enough... even as a hormonal pregnant woman.

I think I have this anger bottled up because I don't think people really understand what it's like to have a child with a congenital heart defect. How could they, really?

We recently raised funds for our annual Congenital Heart Walk in Chicago. This was the first year that Bella really understood what were were walking for and why. Yes, I walked at 38 weeks pregnant!

Holding her sister's hand and she proudly walked for herself!

What a Parent of a Congenital Heart Warrior Wants You to Know

1) Just because they've had corrective surgery does not mean they are cured.

2) The first time your child starts complaining of chest pain your world starts to get a little shaky and insecure.

3) We can be strong and make this look easy but deep inside we are screaming with anxiety.

4) As much as we try not to, we hoover. It's just something we do and we are always on the lookout for something so please don't judge.

5) We blame ourselves. Maybe just in the beginning. Maybe for years. We always question if there was something we could have done differently. Sometimes even after the guilt has gone away it comes back later.

6) This is a lifelong battle not just for our kids, but for us as a family and as parents.

7) We pray our children will outlive us.

8) This never gets easier to deal with. We live with the constant knowledge of could be.

9) Strep throat and other illnesses are scary... Rheumatic fever can affect the heart even in patients that don't have any heart conditions. It can significantly complicate existing heart defects and conditions and all of this from the common strep throat.

10) We are fighters, too. We fight the feelings to cry, to freak out and rush to the ER when something goes wrong. We fight ourselves to stay calm and brave so our kids can be too.

11) We get angry. We get angry that we are at a fight with CHD and it can be ruthless and it impacts the quality of life in all members of the family.

12) It changes the family dynamic. It changes the way we are towards one child over another and everyone picks up on this. Everyone in the family feels this battle.

Thank you for listening and thank you for just being there:)

Baby number 3 is due in less than a week and I hope to have some cute baby pictures soon!!! Follow along on Instagram!

We made it to 28 weeks!

It was about this time during my last pregnancy that my water bag slightly begin to tear, leaking amniotic fluid, aka PROM (Premature Rupture of the Membrane). When it first happened, I had just put my little one down for the evening and I was cleaning up around the house. The hubby was working nights and I was alone. I bent over to pick up some dirty laundry on the floor and when I stood up I felt the slight bit of trickle between my legs.

My initial reaction was that I must have lost control of my bladder, although I didn't feel the need to go. I was so confused. There was no gush, just a trickle. I went to the bathroom and sat upon the toilet and it continued. Was I really going nuts? Was I really peeing my pants and not feeling it? It was a sporadic trickle but just seemed to keep coming. My gut told me this was not good and so I got on the phone and called my husband.

We went into labor and delivery that evening to only be told that it was not amniotic fluid and I must have just lost control of that area. I just couldn't believe it as I got back in the car and sat on the already soaked bath towel. Finally after a week of this awkward problem and wearing poise pads, I had a regular visit with my Doctor, where it was indeed confirmed that my water bag had torn. So at 29 weeks pregnant and a week after leaking I was admitted into the hospital on full bed rest. Three weeks later I delivered our little girl, luckily with minimal complications.

Bed rested in the hospital

An Old Fashioned Childhood and the Helicopter Mom

When I think back at the childhood I had, it was filled with outside play and sometimes hours of boredom. I didn't have the endless hours of searching the internet or the fast pace of social media. If I wanted to communicate with my friends it was a phone call on the house line or a bike ride (or roller blade) to their house to see if they were home. Those were the days of simplicity. Those were the days that kids played outside all day long until the sun came home and Mothers were not accused of neglect if the kids were unsupervised at the playground. This post is probably going to be a bit more serious than most of what I usually post. This is something that weighs heavy on my heart and I'm not holding back from showing you my biggest fears and a little bit of anxiety craziness that perhaps I have kept under wraps.

There is so much going on in our world today and I want my kids to have the opportunity to slow down. I don't want them glued to their phones checking Facebook statuses every hour. I want them to find ways to occupy themselves that forces them to become creative and think outside the box.

I don't want my children to be influenced by the age of information and social media.
Hypocritical I know, coming from a communications and emerging media major.

At the same time I want my kids to have an old fashioned childhood, our society and the dangers are more present than they were 30 years ago. Human trafficking is much more of a thing and not just international but here in the U.S. It's a big business with little risk and huge income. Did you know that nearly 80% of sex-trafficking victims are American born U.S. Citizens? I truly feel this is an issue that doesn't get enough attention today and I'm not exactly sure why. Is it because we don't want to believe this kind of thing goes on, we don't want to visualize the horror of young children being kidnapped for this purpose? It's hard to swallow as a parent of 2, soon to be 3, little girls. So how do we balance shelter and space with our children?

My sitter watches my youngest once a week while I make the trek into the weekly office visit to let everyone know I still work there. I usually drop off my littlest after I take the oldest to school. The babysitter is a school mom and has three kids, including one in my daughter's grade. I nearly had a heart attack when I dropped my kids off at the babysitters early and she had to take one of my kids to school instead of myself. My daughter is in Kindergarten. My fear was that she wouldn't walk my child directly to the school door. I know, helicopter mom. I was afraid she would just let my daughter walk with her kids, two of which my daughter has never met... What would be the dangers of that? My anxiety and over reaction kicked in as I thought of all the possibilities of my daughter not arriving to school that day. I would not be able to visually verify her walking through those school doors. I was a crazy wreck because of the dangers our society presents. Not because I didn't trust this Mom. I didn't trust the world around us.

She did end up walking them all that day and even if she didn't I'm sure it would all be fine. But still, I just want to shelter and protect my child. What is ironic is that growing up I lived only 4 house down from a known and convicted child molester, who was a repeat offender. Still, I was allowed to play outside and run between each neighbor's yards as if the danger was not present. Perhaps my children can still live the carefree old fashioned childhood, just under the loving shelter of our home.

I recently read this article about why a parent does not allow sleepovers for their children. Not even with family members. At first, I thought this idea was a bit extreme but then after really thinking about it I'm never really at ease when my children are away from the home. They often sleep over at their Nana and Papa's house and I'm very comfortable with that. As a person who usually leaves her phone at the bottom of her purse and can hardly be reached on the weekends because I just like to unplug, I always have my phone by my side when the children are a way.

The article does open a world of the possibilities and dangers that are present when a child is away from home during the overnight hours. They're much more vulnerable to these dangers at a sleepover. What I appreciate is the author points out the not so typically dangers that seem to be more than not, the situations we don't necessarily think of. Were these dangers present when I was a child, absolutely. Can these risks be possible even in the care of a child's own family, yes. The point is to minimize these risks and I think I will do the same.

I hope to shelter my children, so what little they do have left of a childhood they can enjoy the old fashion way. I hope to shelter them just enough to protect them but not hover... Maybe just a little. I want then to climb trees and scrape their knees. I want them to come home with dirt between their nails and an amazing adventure to tell.


What do you think about sleepovers? If you do allow them at what age is it okay?

Never Stop Praying

Do you ever just get that feeling in the pit of your stomach that the ball is about to drop? I do, a lot. Our family has had its share of stress. I can never just feel like things are right because at any time it can be taken away.

I get that feeling every year before Bella's cardiology visit. Each year I've been reassured that the world is functioning normal and it's just a symptom of my crazy anxiety.

This year it was not so reassuring. This visit, the annual visit is now increased to 6 months... that is never a good sign when the doctor wants to see you more often. I sat there listening to my husband's voice over the phone and the tears began to swell up. She wasn't doing so well anymore and the worst began to appear in my mind.

The loss of a child is the worst kind of loss out there and I can't begin to imagine the feeling. If this was only a fraction then it would probably kill me. Yes, I'm jumping to the extreme. Realization that this situation is getting worse, never to get better until a surgery, is frightening. The chest pains were not from a chest cold, they were a symptom of the worsening of her condition.

Sometimes you forget that you have a child with "special needs" like a heart condition. Sometimes you just think that they will grow up strong and healthy to an old age. You forget through all the normalcy and good times.

You take the normalcy for granted.

Sometimes I blame my lack of prayers in the past year and a half. There shouldn't be blame in this situation. I can't help but feel accountability. I forgot how life was precious and to ask for God's grace and healing. It's those little things we take for granted. We need to not only pray when we want or need but when we are grateful and fulfilled or when things are going just fine.

Don't Worry, Be Happy!

The past 6 years have definitely been an uphill road for our family. We have worked very hard and sacrificed many things to get to the place we are today. I've come a long way from a being a pessimistic person. It's taken me some life lessons and some gratitude to realize being happy is all about your attitude, not your situation.

We can always bond with our girlfriends and other mommies over the horror stories of raising little people, but we are slow to gush over the joys that it brings us as well. And a lot of the time, there are so many happy moments that sometimes don't get recognized or given credit where it's due. I'm guilty of both these things. Being a mommy to two young children can be testing but I think that sometimes we get so caught up in the bad that we don't allow ourselves to be happy.

It's okay to be happy. Really, it's okay!

It was two years ago this month, that my husband and I enrolled back in school to finish our bachelor's degrees. For two full years we have both been working full time, going to school full time, and raising two little girls. In this period of time we also managed to purchase our first home, and gain a promotion at work. We were happy even though it was hard! We were a happy family even though we spent Sundays rotating who got to do school work. We were happy because we still made time for what matters, family.

We are both set to finish with our degrees this coming December! When I look back at the past several years, I grin from ear to ear over the amount of obstacles we have overcome and the pride I feel. I am so happy!


The little things make me happy

My children's wild imagination

The lady bugs all around us on the day we moved into our first home... that's good luck, right?

Silly dance parties in the family room

My new obsession with yoga

The song "Walking On Sunshine" by Katrina & The Waves

Iced coffee

Warm sunshine and flip flops

Disney World

My husbands favorite song....... Yes, that's him:)



What makes you happy?

I'm sharing today for the Happy Mama Movement

and with Shell @

A Year From Now

A year from now, I hope I can look myself in the mirror and see the change.

So this running thing... Started off great... a month and a half into it, still no results. I got frustrated and pissy. Ended up not running for a month. I totally lost sight of what my mission was and why I was doing it. I started to feel sorry for myself . . . eck!

The other day, I ran for almost an hour straight!! I just got up and said "I am going to run"! Now, for a beginning runner this is huge!! I probably could have ran more but I didn't want to pass out right there on the sidewalk. In a fluke accident I sprained my ankle over the weekend. Just another battle to over come.

This is me w/my glasses and my husband

Recently, I got back into my contacts. I went two straight years wearing glasses, coming from a person who always wore contacts in the past. Not that I am superficial but the contacts have given me a new look... like literally I look different and emotionally I feel different. I think I really started sporting the glasses when I had my first baby. Ironically, that is around the time I started struggle.

For me, I think the glasses were a way of hiding behind a curtain. I didn't really have to worry so much about make-up because who could even see me with the thick frames. My weight struggled and slowly packed on an additional 20 pounds with out even realizing it! Emotionally I struggled too. My anxiety went through the roof and I couldn't handle stress like I use to. I think the biggest thing for me was looking myself in the mirror.  I didn't like the reflection and I just allowed it to get worse.

So here I am today, struggling to get my butt in gear, trying to get myself back. I really see myself now that the glasses are gone and man... I look older! Didn't realize how age had taken to me, but I can see ME now and what I have been hiding so long. I am back and I know I will have my struggles in the healthy living process, but I am seeing things clearer! Hopefully, by this time next year I WILL see results!

Coming at you with Pour Your Heart Out...

A Toast To Formula Feeding Mothers

I was on a social networking site the other day, when I came across this one mothers picture and post. The picture had a baby and the topic was "The Breastfed Baby" and on this picture was all the different benefits the breastfed baby has over a formula fed baby. The comment this person wrote was "look at what formula can't do for your baby."

I try not to be judgy... I know it doesn't feel good and motherhood alone can feel impossible on certain days without the comments and stares from people, thinking you are a total fail at parenting. For some reason this one post bothered me. It was as if she was pointing her finger at every mother who didn't try hard enough to breast feed.

When I was pregnant with my first, I had envisioned what "type" of mother I wanted to be. Turns out that doesn't really happen... who would have known? Still, its nice to see that somethings I held my ground on. So what if I didn't end up using cloth diapers and saving the environment. Okay, maybe the "make my own baby food" idea didn't last long. Maybe my children don't always eat the healthiest of foods. And despite my firm beliefs in being a stay at home mom and not putting my child in daycare, with my second child that is exactly what I did.

Back to this breastfed baby picture... it was kind of disappointing to see another mother be so judgmental in her comments. I tried, I really did. But in the end I just couldn't. See, some people have problems producing enough milk supply, especially when both of their children were in the NICU and had to be fed a special supplemented diet. It's hard pumping and feeding separately, but even that was not why.
Each time I had to throw in the towel, I was devastated. As if I was letting down my baby or not being a mother by providing the basic need of food. I cried for weeks with my first one. I was so determined that I would with the next one, that I pushed even further. I made it this time to a month and a half and not once was she ever feed from my breast, it was all pumped. I feel as though I have missed out on that bond but I can't look back.

It just really irritates me when people ask if you are breastfeeding, as if the answer to this one question determines you as a mother. I just want to tell all of you mothers out their who have breastfed that have this stigma against mothers who don't....

"Yes I understand all the help benefits of breastfed babies... I was given all of that information when I was seeing my doctor regularly at my prenatal visits"

"No you don't need to rub it in that you stuck with it despite how hard it was"

And finally,

"Yes, I do feel bad that I wasn't able to provide the nutrition and good health to my baby like you...."

Even though my oldest daughter was only breast fed for a couple weeks, she very rarely ever went to the doctor besides her normal check ups. Even though breastfed babies tend to have a higher IQ per say... my daughters language abilities are beyond her age. So it looks like the formula over the breast milk didn't really have that big of an impact on her after all.

Looking at my children today, I'm not disappointed at the "type" of mother I am or will become. I see my children healthy, happy and gosh darn it, amazing!!! I must have done something right in all the wrongs to have raised such an incredible little almost 3 year old!

Here is a toast, to all the mothers that were not able to breastfeed. It's hard enough to be a mother, lets not criticize those that were not able to. We already get it.

Just when you feel like you got this mommy thing down

I'm waiting for the ball to drop. Do you ever have those moments when you think "I'm a good Mom, I've got this down!"? Many of us have felt that proud moment when you don't feel like you are doing everything wrong for once. Just as you start to feel amazing something happens, an accident, a massive tantrum that can't be controlled, a mommy monster moment...

Well, lately I feel on top of it. My Bella and I have been getting along very nicely. Although, she doesn't always listen we seem to have a better understanding of one another. My patience really hasn't been tested in a couple of days. Usually she is doing everything in her power to destroy the house. Rarely does she listen at all, and finds joy in doing the exact opposite of what I ask, typical toddler.
.
I'm waiting for it. That moment that is going to break this great winning streak...

She has been such a sweatheart!

A little Inspiration: The Invisible Women

A recycled video I have used before, but worth a second look. Sometimes we need a reminder.